reality fades, hopes recharged

Breathe deeply; to stop that heart ache, to stop those tears from falling. Breathe.

For the past 1 month I've been coming back to this page time and time again, each time typing something and deleting it all. Words can't seem to surface itself, and my thoughts refuse to settle down for me to write a page that is coherent enough. This goes from past...:

Blocks just ended and it was a good weekend's worth of rest, and a good june holidays, I think I'm much more ready to face this hectic term ahead. Need to remember balance and discipline and to trust God.

Over the past 4 days, I managed to had opportunities to mingle with kids or just to watch kids play, and it really makes me wonder how exactly and what exactly do little children think. I do not remember how my train of thought went when I was younger anymore, but I wonder now how did I understand and comprehend whatever was going around me. I think its thrilling and yet scary to know that as you grow, your mentality and train of thought differs so much, its pretty amazing to wonder what will I think about 'this' sentence that is different from what I am thinking right now.

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It's 0053h of 31st July now. Last day of the month, the past month had been mhmm filled I guess. I remembered Term 3 Week 1, Blocks. Results are all back, I did mhmm about what I expected as I took the papers so not much disappointment nor joy? But thank God truly for all that He has provided. I'm sort of satisfied with what I have, and will work harder for promos.
Week 2 was a flurry of events, Faccomm officially started then and we were all preparing for EC-meet Fac with all the videos and all. Work came rushing in and commitments and responsibilities started to pile. MUST KEEP BALANCE. But week 2 felt damn good because of the busy-ness and the constant feel of adrenaline in my body. And it was that was the first week where I started picking up on training and subsequently became the last week too..
Week 3 was slower, and week 4 was really draining. So many things came crashing down then, ankle dad relations. I felt like I was constantly on the brink of trashing things but I'm glad its the end of Week 5 now and it had been a pretty good week :) Every even week so far had been somewhat breath-taking, with a negative connotation, each even week had relations being endangered. Next week's Week 6, I hope this wouldnt happen again?

Stress fractured my ankle, officially I'm out for 1 month since 18th July. I think the worse part of it all comes every training, where there isn't anything I can do but to sit and watch and feel really really incline to join in, to run, to do that killer pt/run they are doing, but the only thing that I could do was to shout 'jiayou' and watch as my teammates gave all they had. I promise I'll make up every single run they did when I recover. Right now, its 18 days left. Scan's on Wednesday, if I go I hope all things go fine and that I'll be back on court stronger faster and higher. Ankle will not become an excuse anymore.

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2.29am on 3/8 morning, my bone scan's jab is in 7.5 hours time, I would be lying to say I'm not afraid. Truthfully the impact of the results have kinda faded, I'm quite sure I'll be ready and cleared to go back after these 15 days, just that I need to ease back into training and start going lighter before full impact again. But right now, I'm halfway through, 2 days to 1 month since I've injured my ankle. 6 weeks this time is no joke seriously :/

Been crashing nearly every night after I get home from school, I have no idea why. But nights that I managed to stay up past 1 have been good cause my effeciency and motivation and focus kicks in and I end up being able to work rather fast till like late 2 (like right now). Need to figure out a way to sleep from 11-1 yet still be able to wake up each night.

Recently in KI we've learnt about Foucault's discourse and Sociology's self-concept. Its 2 interesting theories nonetheless, and yes it kinda interweaves with facade and the manner people behave. Its interesting how people behave differently with different groups of people, in different contexts and situations and not to mention, based on the ideas and notions that society have imposed on them. I wonder how would everyone be like if there weren't expectations, maybe liberalism would be more apparent. But then again, with no expectations, how would we function? 

I had pub training in church the other day. It felt good forsaking everything else that had been bothering me and just focus on playing around with something new, something I haven't tried, seeing what results I can obtain.. And more importantly, it felt good fellowshipping with a bunch of people from church, people somewhat familiar yet not so. And coming back to God's warm embrace.

The past few nights didn't have a moon, but the skies were somewhat pretty with multiple stars. Tonight the stars faded into the background, but I saw the faint outline of a crescent moon. I hoped it helped you feel better tonight :)

wonderwall.

Where would you stand one year from now? One year, just one year. Seek strength, break boundaries. Chuanling, this is the promise you make to yourself. Whatever it takes, you'll make it through. One year down, I'll look back and stand tall and be proud of myself, because I've walked a daunting journey with great courage and because I've learnt and grown and experienced.

我们都思念过，回味着曾经有过，盼望着的一切。 ♥

I am currently sitting at starbucks with my sister. I'm supposed to be studying, but I'm very distracted and tired and I've been people watching and everything instead of studying. But I've done my math and did stuff I was supposed to do, I guess its not that bad then?

The past 2 long weekends were well spent thankfully :) I had my share of rest, of fun, of catching up and of doing work. Admidst the weekdays which was filled with ILP, PI, GPP, tutorials and class tests, came the weekends which had Ares Fac Outing, Huangcheng, Frisbee, Talking in the library, Teammates @myhouse, Jean'sHouse, Athena Fac Outing, GE, YFcampgroup lunch, Studying&Talking with sister. I had a good time at all these with all the people involved. Truly thankful for God's hands working in my life, for this period of good rest and fun (Goals of 2011!). Last week I fervently prayed a prayer over and over again, God made things work, I am truly thankful, I think I need to learn how to go back to His warm embrace because I've been a little far away recently, but His mercy overflows and He hasn't left me, not any bit.

I haven't been sleeping well this week again, the dreams and external disturbances are plaguing me. But I'm contented with what I get, truly I am, at least there's time to sleep and haha people who make me sleep. (To M, I've been way too reliant, I know I am. But thank you so much for being here.) This week I will make a leap of faith, whatever the outcome is I know I will be ready to catch myself even if I fall, that I will learn, grow and even though the fall, if it occurs, would be ugly but its okay, I tried. I think my stoning process this weekend have made me gain new insights and new determination for resolutions to be set. I truly don't know what the future will hold, I will fail at time, I will lose people, lose memories,  but its okay, I will grow stronger and achieve higher, and I'll be ready to face all that comes knocking on my door.



"you may say that I'm a dreamer, but I'm not the only one".

I realised that I feel very uncomfortable when I read a page full of vulgarities, and even more so when such terms are used to express things/ideas that are not worth a thing. I think it scares me that everyone has this side of them and I'm afraid one day that side of me will show and i'm so afraid and it's so ugly. The worst part would come if I didn't even realise it showed. :/

Terraces w Max, Running in the rain w Mich, Talking to kayhian and some others and it was then that I realised that these were the moments were life slowed down and a breather was taken.. It felt good to talk, but it brought up so much more question marks and reflective thoughts and fear and confusion, it's like a never ending cycle. But those were good times, I'll never exchange it and I'll want it again.

I played teengames yesterday and it was a good experience albeit the results but I had great fun and it felt really really good running and sprinting and cutting and doing stuff that I haven't done for quite some time. I think frisbee have lessons that could be applied back to netball, not merely gameplay but also the mentality. Yesterday I felt so free, I felt like I was and could be fast and could be even faster. It was a good time under the sun, can't wait for the coming thursday/monday.

The weather forecast says that it's gonna rain for the next few days. It'ls gonna be cold, I hope I won't freeze but I can't wait for the showers from above and the clear night skies that accompanies after.. I like the comfort the dark blue skies give, its just like a blanket that will give me warmth and protection :)

Cravings again, I will go get yogurt icecream this week.

Have you ever had this familiar smell or scene that strikes something in you? It makes you remember of things that had already passed.

I think there are some forms of soliditary that I appreciate, that I would sometimes prefer for people to not barge into it. It's like this little bubble of my own, not the delusional unknowing kind of bubble, but more like a state where I wish to have that freedom of space to be. My body is amazingly adapting, finally, but this period is trying and I feel rather inbalanced but its okay, the sun will shine after the storm. What that is seemingly normal-bad now will just become what is truly normal, I hope I get through these period first. Each time my body tries to adapt, it's like a trying process all over again.

I've been having weird illusions and dreams that keep me awake at night, my body seems to tensed up to sleep effectively. This is not good and should not be happening. Lord, I just pray for the illusions to go away, watch me whilst I sleep and keep me safe at bay. The illusions are making me feel oddly empty and weird in the day, I don't like such a feeling. What happened to cotton-candy like clouds and pink sunsets? Parallel Universe maybe.

Hurdles 2 days agao seemed to screw my back up again :/ Stretch dear girl stretch, you need to make your promises and commitments count. So many things to work on, I will be motivated! I think it scares me how distance between 2 individuals can differ so drastically, so near yet so far seems so appropriate so often, and change between people seems even more constant. I've been a little far away from some people recently, it scares me how easily things may change. Mhmm jwen and I breached an interesting topic today, based on a comment made by an outsider..maybe this is what the term, 旁观者清, actually means. Then it strikes the thought back memory lane to a few posts ago. What do people see? 


rose-tinted shades.

the emotion so strong, it engulfs you from inside out.
You try to take a breather, but to feel even more breathless.
Watch my tears and listen to my heartache,
At the end, will you still hold me and tell me 'it'll all be okay'?


10 minutes ago, I took a little walk out of my house to see the moon. The supposed-brightest-moon-of-the-year was stunningly bright; The skies are clear tonight, I like how the stars look tonight in the dark royal blue sky. I think the sky and the stars have a weird sort of calming effect on me. It reminds me how insignificant yet in line with the world I am.. And I always feel a little better looking at the night sky, or maybe a little more thoughtful. But Singapore never have really good stargazing skies.
Somewhere; One day I'll lie on the grass and watch the stars :) 

Sometimes I wonder what people think and see of me. And sometimes I wonder if those views would differ from person to person, and even from myself. The other night I was just thinking over words people have said and I think it's quite scary if one day I realised the person I present to people may differ so far from who I am. But then again, who am I?

I have been slipping and falling cause I feel too tired to catch myself. Need to remind myself to do QT every SINGLE night, need to keep faith and be strong and courageous. God has been good still though and I thank God for each day I pull through and with each prayer being answered.

I can feel myself changing, I dont know if its for the better or for the worse. It scares myself sometimes because it seems like a risky position I'm putting myself in. Jingwen, if you read this, I am very scared what happened the other day (yknow which day right), would happen again and I've been feeling times when I'm close and just feel like slamming things or just stoning somewhere alone but circumstances have not allowed and I don't want that day to occur ever again but somehow I feel like I'm becoming not-as-strong and the even the thought intimidates me ):

March Holidays have begun, it doesn't even feel like we started school for long yet. I think this break feels too early haha I'm not tired enough to warrant a break nor sure enough that this break will be able to last me through the next 10 weeks of school. Tomorrow I will sit down and plan my holidays proper and make sure I have fun yet study, I need study dates. Mission 101 is a cool website, I'll write down my 101 and I'll embark on them bit by bit. One day I'll conquer and be the queen.


Beauty is in the eyes of the beholder. How bout weak? What if I think I'm weak right now but yet no one else seems to think so.


cause we're all out of time

Seventeen does not feel any different. Hoepfully with age comes wisdom that will empower me through this year! Very tired and worn out right now, maybe its cause of the bad night of sleep I had yesterday, maybe cause of my emotions running high and low today and maybe cause I lost my thumbdrive ):

But today was good, well, surprises were expected but thank God truly for friends and people who care even in this new environment :) Though some did come unexpected! Like Clara and her baked goodies! But all the same, big thankyou to loggies (Elena for drawing! Shiyan for all things despite you being sick!!), 11s70, and team and family :) And for all the people who wished me and gave me hugs and gifts! Big thank you.

The realisation that another year (kinda) had passed made me wonder what I had done and I ralise once again I have such a long list of want-to-dos but, truly, when will this list come to materialise? Right now, need to focus on whatever I have and work hard. Want-to-dos will come! I think I am a rather dreamy high achiever kind of person. I dream high and try to reach it and sometimes its so hard to get there but I do try. I hope one day I'll be able to get up there for all things. Mhmm. One day. Sometimes I hate these two words.

Have not been normal recently, emotions tend to run too high and low periodically. Not good need to remain focus and centered. External factors are getting to me :/ Relationships between people are sensitive issues that require delicate handling, but I don't think I'm a very delicate person. Need to seek more strength in God and myself than from this world!! Tonight I'll go study for my math test and snuggle in my blankets for cover.

Good night world, tonight I'm older by just a little bit more.

This week feels oddly weird. I don't like the feeling of being lost as though I can't find my placing and footing in this world. Unfocused and tired, I feel the dread. This week I will focus and study and find my anchor in myself. I think Hwachong is unsettling to an extent, because its easy how moods change and emotions sway amidst of all. Everyone can come and pei wo during my long breaks or jio me to stardee.

Back to NY on Thursday and Friday, I think nanyang feels more homely. Probably the architecture and how you feel like you're belonging to the whole school and world whilst you are there. Hwachong feels more like you are only a small piece, negligent to most. Talked to some teachers, saw many juniors, I feel like I don't belong anymore and that all my memories there have been stored back in a bottle buried in the sand. I feel alot older despite it being only 2 months into the year of being 17. Hopefully I'll feel like that next year and 2 years down the road too. Need to find footing in hwachong.

Sometimes I wonder if its better to be so accustomed to pain that you don't actually process its presence anymore, or is it better to know the pain and constantly feel it. Back is killing me very badly everyday, I feel like I can't do this anymore. I try to tell myself to have much more tolerance, to have better threshold, that pain is not exclusive only to me but everyone feels it somewhat somehow. But somehow all these talk is not working this time round, I feel very tired very unfocused and very moodswingy because of the ache I feel. Very afraid, need to stay strong.

Am very tired right now, need to go to sleep. I pray that I'll get good sleep tonight :)